Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays from the Christmas wonderland of Westport, Connecticut!!
I have spent Christmas in various circumstances in various locals. Glorious present filled mornings in Idaho, rehab in Auburn, dope sick in Spanaway, writing angst ridden stories about Santa's decent into homicide in Louisville but a yuletide moment in Atlanta always replays.
It was 1993 and my girlfriend and I were at Robert and Crystal's apartment. Robert and Crystal were a charming combination of white trash, urban, violent, junky heroin dealers. One thing most people don't realize about long term opiate addiction is that you are usually just sticking it in just to feel normal. The initial reasons for experimentation are long gone and you are just avoiding the inevitable excruciation that stopping will bring. At this point many add in regular binges of cocaine to actually feel something and if you are already a junky it's not going up your nose like the wild kids at a frat party. You are smoking of shooting it. Robert and Crystal preferred to smoke their coke, mostly because uncollapsed viens were at a premium. These were my friends, my contemporaries, my store if I couldn't scrounge a car to go to Proctor street were the dope was cheaper.
Smoking crack is a very focused activity. When you are smoking crack, you are smoking crack - that's it. You just sit in a circle waiting your turn, wishing the the other person would hurry the fuck up so you could smoke some more crack. You would take a hit, feel AMAZINGLY good for about a minute and then wait again.
I wasn't smoking crack that day, but Robert and Crystal were. This haunting memory is just the moment that I was walking out the door. I had gotten my dope, gotten well and as we walked past their room I gave hearty 'Merry Christmas". I looking into the room and saw just how much an expression of the season meant. Everyone was staring at whoever currently had the pipe. The idea that it was a day the signified giving, sharing, God's ultimate loving gift was pitifully insignificant compared to 'I'm gonna smoke some more crack in a minute.' For some reason the reality of our situation blasted through the dope and I knew what we were. It was temporarily horrific.
I have been in much worse situation when you look at the circumstance, but the most poignantly awful are generally self contained realizations or self delusions. Sometimes the moment of truth juxtaposed with events before and after make the experience even more memorable. I was obviously a less then healthy place and Robert and Crystal were dead by June. This was the world in which we lived.
You may wonder why I told just a depressing Christmas story. To put it simply - I am not there anymore because miraculous things can happen. Today I ran through the crisp snow lined streets of my lovely wife's home town after a peaceful brunch.
May you all have a blessed Christmas and a Happy New Year and say a prayer for Robert and Crystal and those like them and me. Pay attention to what you have got.